Me.

My shyness is like a disease that won't leave me. Creeping up on me, holding my tongue when I speak. Making me feel insecure and silly. Scared of what others may think of me, I just sit in silence afraid to look at people directly or even speak. Holding back my true identity, I am misjudged to be a snob mainly due to the fact I do not speak, especially to others who do not know me. But my friends see the real me.

As I study others and listen to what they speak, I become distant to others like an old memory, in the background I lay, with this disease that is stuck to me.

Myself today

Right now at this moment in time I am just taking every day as it comes. My view on life has changed, so grateful for the little and big things in life.

My love for nature, art and music has grown into more than an obsession.

With music I love the fact that I can drift into the mind of another just by listening to the story they are singing, every lyric, every instrument, every emotion, every little breath the artist takes when they sing. I can't help but love music more and more everyday.

I have a open eye for art, I have fallen in love with street art, post impressionism and tribal art, there is nothing better than expressing emotions in the form of art, Even if it looks like graffiti.

Each day I continue to be infatuated by nature, as most of my close friends know my obsession with the sky, the moon the stars, mother nature ect is Turning into an addiction, as weird as it seems I can't help but stare into open space and wonder how amazing nature is. Never in my life did I even imagine myself becoming the person I am, and becoming sensitive over Nature.

This year I am open to new adventures, less clubbing and more socialising more physical, and emotional activities. This year has been a good start conquered my fear of heights, I jumped off a jetty, which to some people is nothing but in my books that’s a pretty big damn deal!

I also did a mountain hike and finished it, which was pretty rad seeing as I am extremely unfit, ha!

I am going to focus on taking better care of myself, emotionally and physically. I just want to be surrounded by positive vibes and positive people; I just want to be a positive person in general.

I also want to learn a sport, even though skateboarding is considered a sport, I think I'll just learn it as a hobby, I've attempted before but hopefully this year ill get the hang of it.

I don’t know why I had a fear of travel, but I did in the past. But for some reason with no explanation I just have the random urge to pack my backpack, grab my camera and travel. But I want to travel to exotic places, not in the sense of island tropical places like Thailand, But somewhere with so much culture and ethnicity that I want to stay there and learn all the cultural norms of the people. I’m thinking of somewhere like morocco, India, Spain or even Cuba!

When it comes to Relationships the past couple of years haven’t been smooth sailing, with some relationships ending on bad notes and relationships slowly losing their spark, I find myself wondering if I am the cause of all these dying friendships? Although I try real hard with some people I think my quiet personality scares people away. To be honest I would rather listen than talk.

 Is it so hard to enjoy the company of another, chill, listen to music, and giggle? We don't have to have a conversation every minute, we can stare in the distance and just think, enjoy each other’s company. I saw this quote and I think I posted it on my Instagram page but it goes ‘ That’s how you know you really trust someone, I think; when you don't have to talk all the time to make sure they still like you or prove that you have interesting stuff to say.’ I couldn't have said it any better, this is what I feel with some relationships, and it sometimes seems like we are forcing the friendship.

I often wonder if I'm ever ready for a relationship, I haven't really connected with anyone on a personal level, not sure if my shyness is in fact blocking me from meeting someone but for now, I'm going let everything fall in place, hoping some mysterious man suddenly stumbles into my life or if he doesn't, well damn.

I watch some of my friends pounce on guys and I am in awe of how they seem to jump from guy to guy just for attention, and this in one night might I add, it often feels like they are playing tag or some shit like that. They say its just fun but sometimes I can see through them, although there is no other attention than one from a fine man, it seems desperate to me. But I don't want to be one to judge, and my opinion is my own. I don't ever want anyone to think twice cause of my opinion, maybe that’s why I keep my opinion to myself. Too scared to hurt people.

Although people get mad at me for keeping my emotions to myself, I value some people I'm scared to hurt their feelings.

Lets going back to taking care of myself, this year is all about natural beauty, no more straightening my hair, not to much makeup (only when necessary, don't want to scare nobody) and going back to my roots letting my little African girl shine, afro and all! My sisters seem to encourage me to be me, although they won't know what hit them when I decide to let the little hippy inside me out, I'll have dreads and all. But I am also so into fashion and the current trends, it is sometimes difficult to decide what my style is, for now I'm that classy fashinosta/ alternative hippy! What a combination! 

I have gotten back into writing, as you can see. Even though I'm not the best at spelling and literature, I bet you there are loads of errors in everything I write; I just can't seem to stop typing.  I can't seem to stop writing songs either, if you didn't know, I sing, I’m not the best, but I'm not that bad.  Got to give myself some credit, remember ‘positive vibes’.

I am afraid of posting my music; I just post snippets on Instagram and Tumblr. But other than that my creative side is often hidden.

Today I have spend the day writing and listening to the sweet voice of Alex Isley, She captures every emotion with her music, I’m going to leave this post cause it was meant to be a little paragraph but I could stop typing, woops!

I going end with a quote, cause I'm all about the positive vibes ya’ll.

“Be careful what you say. You can say something hurtful in ten seconds and ten years later the wounds are still there.”

Cycle.

She lay there alone in the dark, trying to figure out when her life became such a mess. Why was the world against her? It felt like everything she could imagine had gone wrong.

It seemed like everyone’s lives were moving forward to the future, and her life was staying still. No progress at all. Yesterday feels like the other day and tomorrow will feel like today, a constant cycle of nothing.

But she has no one else to blame but herself.

As she picks herself up and looks towards the future a rush of negativity hits her, and she is hit with the truth of reality, that her life is going nowhere.

People she loves seem to think not, they only look at the positives. But why is it that she can only focus on the negatives.

Constantly doubting herself, she degrades her hopes and dreams, because she is in fear of failing. In fear of putting her hopes up, in case she falls, because what is a person who cannot dream? What is a person who cannot hope? Therefore she must dream small.

Following the crowd is something she hates, but she must do in order to fit in because she doesn't like to be alone, in her journey of nothing.

Although it was eating her up inside, she put her mask on and plays her game. Concealing from the pain, she impersonates a vain carefree person with no worries on her plate. Little do people know that this young sweet girl fears everyday?

Fears that her life is going to continue being the same.

Why is it that this young beautiful girl hates her life?

Hiding behind closed doors she cannot see a better future for herself.

On the sad and lonely path to the future, she feels as If she isn't worth anything. She's scared to love and live, how can someone who cannot love herself love another? How can someone so young want to see the end of her current life?

And wish for another?

Unsure of what she feels inside, she feels scared, afraid, hurt and angry. Voices of people around her continue to ask her 'what's wrong? '

How can she answer that question when she doesn't know?

How can she answer that question without blowing her cover?

Days pass and she becomes better and better at hiding her emotion from the people around her, even her self.

When they ask her 'what's wrong' she smiles and replies 'nothing is wrong'.

Little do they know that everything is wrong?

Her life seems to be like a mess and she cannot bring herself to clean it up. Unable to see the better future all she can do is cry and bottle her emotions up. How can people understand what is going through her mind? How can people understand what she wants in life when she doesn't know herself?

All she wants is to have a carefree happy life. But she hasn't felt happy in a long time and she cannot bring herself to show her emotion.

Why can't her life be easy? She tells herself that life is to short to feel sorry and sad for yourself but words can't change her mind. Her thoughts have slowly taken over her and she becomes a person who over reads every detail in her flaw life, leaving her sad and broken inside.

Questions.

When did life get so hard?

When did people you trust break your heart?

When did waking up each morning become a challenge?

Why did he pop up in mind and never leave?

Why do i keep thinking about someone who doesn't like me?

Why can't he come and say hi, like in my head?

Why can i be pretty like all the rest?

When did i become a bitch and deserve no respect?

Why cant life be simple like in my head?

When did it become right for friends to fight?

When did it become okay for guys to treat me this way?

When did society become so deranged?

Why is a size 6 prettier than a size 16?

Why are young girls dressing less?

When was it okay for society to say that you can’t do this, you can’t be that, you can’t dress like that and you cant act like that?

There are so many questions to say; because society is so fucked up we all have lost the way. Many questions without answers that run through our brain, life is meant to be simple and so carefree. But we made it fucked up, can’t you see?

Society has made an image of what we should be but no one is prefect nor he or she.

Bitch.

How can I be her?

I can't be her.

I am me

But they only want her.

I reserve my emotions and pretend like I'm happy being the girl in the shadow.

The shy, quiet girl whom everyone thinks is a bitch.

Labelling me like a book, they think I think I’m better than them, but all I want to do is be like them.

Funny how everyone judges someone not only on their appearance, but the way they greet you.

Just because I am not one to string a perfect conversation and smile like my life is bliss, they think I’m a snob. 

Labels I hate them.

How do these people think they know me, when I don’t even know myself? 

Them 1 - Me 0